racing around trying to stay one step ahead of the thunderclouds inside my head, the empty side of the bed, the space between my body and the wall stretching from horizon to horizon. i am lusty and angry and exhausted from being so happy, the butterflies inside my stomach and my head/ chrysalis, cobwebbing my thoughts and common sense and twining everything together so thickly i can't see through to the end.
too many too loud sixties pop/rock sing-alongs in my car to avoid the sound of my thoughts, oh well oh well oh well i am happy, how many times do i have to tell you until i convince myself? it's not the absence of the individual but the emptiness inside my life that isn't filled by someone else. knowing better than to need someone to complete you doesn't make you immune.
mood: oh! darling
STICK SHIFTS AND SAFETY BELTS
after all of the worry over how and what and why where and, o.k., mostly how, the end of everything is as easy as hanging up the phone, walking out the door. i have met so many people in the past two weeks and everyone looks familiar, everywhere feels like home.
i am boucing off the walls and barely thinking two days ahead but it's good for now, try not to look back, don't plan the future before you have to.
mood: my my myopia
you've got pollen on your nose
following home one long cloud strung out along the skyline like vertebrae, ocean spine, the rainclouds cleared for the first time all week and my head felt lighter in direct proportion to the expanse of sunlight. lunch-led long concentric walks around former familiarities, dusk on the beach, dinner for nostalgiac anniversaries post-everything-else and a debate over leaving too late.
i don't like to stand still, graceless and colt-kicking my way around other people until my legs collapse under me, falling asleep every night almost-alone and almost-happy. what does it take? get your books off my shelves, get your words out of my mouth and leave me to my own devices. just because something is socially accepted as degrading doesn't mean i have to feel degraded?
mood: consent, etc.
wash my hair and take care of my nails, stare at the mirror for minutes at a time studying better ways to wear silence and smiles, try to remember to act shy and keep my innate overenthusiasm on a short leash;
wear perfume religiously because i am the flower and you are the bee, i need you
to perpetuate my own beliefs in myself, a mirror reflecting what i want to know. if i bury my face in your chest for long enough i can smell the ocean; can ignore my own thoughts for long enough to breathe again. "how to lose friends and alienate people" religiously reading and staying out too often to keep my actions in line. distractionless, directionless, over-enthusiastic and under-motivated.